Sometimes, I wonder what my life will be like as I view it from my rocking chair. This, of course, is when I am in my 90’s…for I plan on living a very long time! But as I look out on the life that will happen, I wonder. Will I have regrets? Will I find peace at the choices I made? Will my life have been full? But more importantly, did I do what I was supposed to do?
I have so many things in my life keeping me up at night. Thankfully, nothing fatal. Just life! Nothing more or less than anyone else doesn’t experience. But as the hours ticked by, in the still of the night, my mind was like an old machine heavily churning its wheels, clanking away sounds only heard by my thoughts. “What will tomorrow bring?”
As the sunlight slowly appeared, I realized that my sleepless night was in vain. I have no idea what life has in store for me! Maybe this is wisdom, or maybe it is being practical, but I have learned that nothing ever turns out as you had planned. Good or bad. To plan what will happen tomorrow is difficult. Each day comes, and brings with it possibilities and problems that I would never have expected. Nothing is a for-sure thing. And as I have learned, nothing lasts forever. My misery will soon fade, and my happiness will be but a memory. Life is not stuck, nor is it constant. It just is…
You always read that you have to live in the moment. What does that mean???? It always seemed like a flaky concept. You have to plan for retirement! You have to plan for your car to breakdown! You have to plan for groceries for the week! For God’s sake, you have to plan things or else you are just floating around letting things happen to you. Is that a bad thing? For me, YES! My brain doesn’t function that way.
But life has this funny thing that it does to you. It slaps you up and down every once in awhile. Just to make sure you are awake, and experiential. That is probably the message. Plan away, but don’t get lost in the destination. Experience the journey. What seemed an impossibility yesterday, may seem like a dream in the future, but in the present it may be just good to know it is there to achieve. Heck, it may never happen, or turn out worse than you thought. Who knows! Who the hell knows!!! I don’t.
Life. I thought I had it all figured out at twenty-five. Then it blew up. Then I thought it was going towards a dream I had always imagined. Then it blew up. Then I got it back on track. Then it blew up. Ha! Did I say life slapped you up and down? It does. So, to plan my future…nope, not going there. Do I dream anymore? Sometimes I indulge. But mainly I try to start each day like a wise child. Yes, an oxymoron. But this is what I mean. I try to maintain that sense of excitement for what is to come, but with the knowledge that it won’t make or break me. Each day brings me forward to the experience of living, not just a life. That is what the journey is about.
I write all the time now. I have had rejection…No, I have had a lot of rejection. But that just means I am whittling through the agents that are not right for me. I am getting closer to the one that is best for me. Ha…and right now that is just fine. I have gotten great feedback, some are looking at both manuscripts, some have asked for revisions and some have just passed. I have not failed. Nor have I succeeded. But I am writing. I am getting better, and I am growing stronger as a person and writer. So, the journey isn’t bad. It isn’t great. But it is…and that is my life.
So, my 90-year-old self will not look back with a furrowed brow. I do not plan on putting in columns my failures and successes, or my sins and good deeds. I don’t think that is what it is all about. It is the experience…and I hope I do my soul justice. I hope to not just say I lived a life….but experienced life!