Letting You Go

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Letting You Go

I am afraid…

Afraid to let you go

Afraid to wander this soulless world without you

Heavy is my heart with the burden of the emptiness

I have known loss

It has hardened me to endure what is to come

Fear should not constrain me

Sadness merely a state of mind

I should not fight what destiny commands

But why does it pull heavily against my chest, the aching so real?

I want to cry, plead with the universe to change its mind

To allow what I yearn for…

A fictitious entity you have been; a mere illusion of my heart’s desire

It never has been

And never will be

I hate truth, in all her virtue!

I have lived blissful in my denial

I have lived in hope

But I am too old to have dreams so reckless

And you are too oblivious of my love for you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Touch

Touch

Soft strokes feather against the canvass of your desires

Following the curves of my body, your hands covet my nakedness

Swaying and caressing, exploring my feminine form

Your heated touch lingers as it slips across the silken cloth of my soul

I cannot conceal the tremors that erupt, the prickled bumps a witness to your effect

Or the warming that travels from the tips of my breast to the base of my spine, as your mouth consumes me

Relentless in its pursuit, your breath whispers the need to possess me

My body screams to be taken;  guttural moans murmur the invitation

My will weakens, and I succumb to your touch

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Flushed

 

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Flushed

Warmth spreads across my cheeks

The color of rosiness I cannot disguise, or make excuses for

It lingers with no modesty, bragging its victory

The body has a way of expressing what one tries to hide

Wise in its function, careless in its character

The brain is useless when it comes to desire

All reason malfunctions; logic tossed out as wasted by-products with no purpose

The blood thrushes, spreading in urgency

Like soldiers marching out to war

An unstoppable force; taking no mercy in its mission

And as I place the coolness of my palm against the blazing heat

Worried my love will be exposed

I cannot help but smile…

Knowing it is you who makes me feel so alive

 

 

 

FantasyLand: Starbucks or Books

There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING more humbling than having to ask a stranger, let alone a young woman half your age (or more) if she has a tampon! I mean, come on, I should know better to carry such paraphenalia in my purse. And I am waaaaaay to old to be acknowledging that I am still fertile. The young woman looked at me with surprise, but then gave me a smile and said, “Wait, I have something in the back.”

Of course she would say that. This is Starbucks…the happy place! Where desires are fulfilled  (read my blog, Moring Coffee, https://writerdeeva.com/2016/03/28/morning-coffee/), souls are refreshed, and everybody knows your name. The world just seems like a better place in a Starbucks. The employees eagerly greet you as you walk up to the counter. You get what you want, your way, the way you like it. (I get a black coffee, room for cream. Not too difficult.) There is “cool” music playing in the background, swanky leather chairs and neo-modern tables to hang, and a bulletin board that boasts clubs and events that save the planet. It’s all so zen. It is a shot of fantasy in a world filled with chaos, confusion, distrust, and mayhem. It is Fantasyland.

I like to dive into fantasy. Ummmm, I am a writer! I write about men being caring and romantic. Hello! Total fantasy!!!! But I think Starbucks has tapped into something that is more than serving coffee at high prices. They allow the average person a boost of happiness before they start work, a reprieve in the middle of chaos, or a sanctuary from the jungle outside it’s doors. It is this “fix” of fantasy that appeals to the average Starbucks’s customer, along with their favorite half/half, decaf, soy latte with extra foam. It’s not of course, fantasyland. That is just silly to think that there is a Disneyland for coffee. But when I am feeling particularly stressed, or unhappy, I run to Starbucks to lift my spirits. It makes my day. It is a smile for no reason, a childlike giddiness in the middle of the mundane. Walking into a Starbucks allows a moment to just imagine that the world is calm, cool, and collective; an escape of daily life.

Everybody loves Starbucks! So, I ask myself, why doesn’t everybody like to read? Reading is the same “fix.” Reading is a chance to escape your everyday life, take away your stress, ease your mind, and imagine anything. Reading offers you a fantasy of your choice. Want to visit an unknown dimension? Books can do that? Want to make love to someone new? Books can do that. Want to imagine a younger, sexier, self who lives in Paris? Books can do that. Want to learn how to draw a cat? Books can do that. All for the same price as a cup of coffee! And it last longer than ten minutes. A book can keep you in fantasyland for days, if not weeks. And if it is a good book, it can be a part of you for a lifetime. Reading can be dark or light, tall or grande, with whip or no whip. There are so many styles, levels, topics, etc that one should never have an excuse not to read. Books offer you the “fix” of fantasy any time, any place, any where. You can take it with you in the car, on vacation, or just alone in your room. They may not be able to know your name, (or hand you a tampon when you need one) but they can make your life a little brighter, smarter, and happier.

So, my challenge to you…buy a book, or two. Try it once a month. You might not give up going to Starbucks, but you might find yourself reading in one!

Let me know what you are reading these days…would love to find out what your fantasy is.

 

Drunk

No! I am not talking about me in this week’s title. I am doing something a wee bit different this week. I am going to share a chapter that I have been working on from my third, and next novel,  Invisible.

I realize that I rarely show my novel writing in my blog. I know all of you are dying to read my work! (Please try to refrain from the eye rolling!) But as you know, I try to keep my blog as the outlet for my thoughts. Crazy and bizarre as they come! But today is a beautiful morning. I have my coffee, am still in my pjs, and am comfortably nestled against my stacked pillows behind my back, feeling a little generous. So, with little further introduction, a scene from Invisible: 

Chapter: Drunk
(Rough draft)

As Thom had entered the pub, Dunbar tilted his head in the direction of where he could find the drunkard. Marcus was crouched in a dark corner table with his head down, the overhead light fixture casting an ominous shadow over the slumped figure.

“Do you mind if I sit?” Thom asked, his tall frame hovering over the table as he approached.

Marcus looked up with lethargic eyes. He slurred, “I oughta punch you!” He half rose but only faltered, and slouched back down into the cushioned seat.

“Well, probably,” Thom coolly replied, then sat down next to him.

“Everything ok, Thom?” Dunbar called out from behind the bar.

“Aye,” he answered, reassuring his friend. “And bring us two coffees.”

Marcus sat up, stretched his arms across the back of the seat, and looked Thom straight in the eyes. “Shouldn’t we duel or something? Isn’t there some Scottish code to fight over a woman?” He laughed uncomfortably.

Thom didn’t answer. When Dunbar called to warn him that a man at the pub was making threats against him, he did not have to ask who it was. He new it was Marcus. Abby’s Marcus. He probably should have been more hesitant to rush over and confront the threat. He knew men had been shot for lesser reasons. He certainly was not innocent of the crime Marcus was enraged about. A man can be driven to do terribly things when he has been wronged, especially when it is about a woman.

Dunbar interrupted his thoughts and placed a cup in front of Thom and asked, “Are ya sure you can handle this one?”

“I have handled worse on your account,” he reassured, trying to make light of the situation. 

Glaring at Marcus, Dunbar dropped the other cup in front of him, slightly spilling coffee on the table. He bent over to wipe it up but did not take his eyes off of Marcus, giving him fair warning that if he started a fight, he was not too far away to join in. 

“Leave him be,” Thom ordered, giving Dunbar the signal that he had the situation under control.

Eyeing Dunbar as he walked away, Marcus was not particularly threatened by the skinny framed man. He hovered three inches above him and had at least twenty pounds on him. But that wasn’t who he wanted to fight. He would have gladly hit Thom from across the table if it weren’t for the fact he saw two of him. He hated the man, but he wasn’t foolish. Marcus snickered, “It wouldn’t be a fair fight at the moment.” 

“No, it wouldn’t,” Thom replied a little unsure of what Marcus was capable of. He was drunk, angry and in no position to fight, but Thom knew that never stopped a man from trying. He watched him carefully as he reached forward, only to grab his coffee. His head dangled forward and he closed his eyes as he took three slurps. Thom waited for what was next.

“What is it like to fuck my wife?” Marcus bitterly spat out, his eyes very clear of his target.

Grabbing the collar of his shirt, Thom pulled Marcus forward. “Look, lets keep this polite, shall we? Or else I will describe every fucking detail of how I made love to your wife so that every time you touch her you will know I have been there!” 

Thom wanted desperately to hurt him. If only to release the fear swelling inside of him that this man could take away Abby. Marcus would overcome a few punches. Thom wasn’t sure he could overcome losing love twice in his life. But his thoughts of Abby stopped him. He had to be patient if not for her sake. Breathing in deeply, he released him. 

Marcus grunted, but did not take the bait. With Dunbar not far away he knew there was little chance walking out of there without the crap beaten out of him. He eased up and leaned back letting the coffee ease the effects of the vodka shots that were poisoning his body and warping his mind.

“You are a brazen fellow, I’ll give you that!” Marcus responded.  “Not only did you sleep with my wife, you have the nerve to throw it in my face.”

“I didn’t come here to rub your face in it. I’m here for Abby. She shouldn’t have to deal with you in this condition. Nothing is going to be solved with you incoherent. Drink up your coffee, man, and I’ll take you home.”

“Hell with her! I am in this condition because of her!” he shouted out, but then lowered his voice to a whisper as if talking to himself,  “What is home? Without Abby, I have no home.” 

Thom could only feel sorry for the man who was sitting next to him. A man who probably did not intend to be so careless with such a precious commodity. But it was not for Thom to judge why or how Marcus failed to value Abby. He only saw the remnants of his actions. As far as he was concerned, he got Abby fairly. There was no coercing or manipulation. She came to him openly. Even so, there was no easy way to feel victorious about stealing another man’s wife. 

“This isn’t really about you or me. It’s about what makes Abby happy. And if you make her happy I am willing to lose her. But if there is a remote chance she chooses me, I will spend every day, every breath I have loving her.” 

“You’re a son of a bitch,” Marcus cursed. He stared at his nemesis. It was hard to hate a man who only wanted the best for the woman he loved. 

“Maybe so, but I don’t think it’s up to us, now is it?” Thom rose, reached for his wallet and threw some money out on the table. He helped Marcus get up, steadying him on his feet. Nodding to Dunbar, he bid him a good night.

Marcus pulled himself away and stumbled out into the cold air, his body stiffening from the stark contrast of the warmth inside the pub. The crisp air quickly washed away any remnants of haziness that he was feeling. 

“Are you going to be alright?” Thom asked, trying to assess how far he would need to help Marcus get back to the hotel. 

Without answering, Marcus pulled his coat tightly around his body and pushed towards the street ahead, ready to conquer the freezing wind, and Abby.

Thom stood silent not wanting to disrupt Marcus’s fortitude. He knew that he was going into the battle of his life. He just wasn’t sure he knew which outcome he wanted for him.

Smile of Deception

Smile of Deception

My eyes will not deceive my desires

My mouth will not betray the unspoken yearning

My touch will not ignite the passion that stirs

I smile, knowing my boundaries

You are the agony and the joy of my heart

Haunting my desires; lingering in my dreams

A longing lost in not knowing, but grateful for its purpose
A love that will remain merely a ghost to wander this lifetime

Never will I share all that you mean to me

No One Special

 

No One Special

Write what you feel; say what you mean

Taunt me with your thoughts as if they don’t penetrate me

They do

Tell me your secrets; your fears and regrets

Share yourself carelessly as if I am not affected

I am

Put me on a pedestal; your place of sacredness

Keep me so high you may never reach me

Or I may reach you

Ignore that I am here; lingering in the shadows

Where no one needs to know my significance

But I know

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Desire

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Desire

A kiss below my neck

Your hand upon my breast

I lay naked for you to consume

Worry not of my virtue

Nor of your shame to posses me

Just be one with me, while the moment allows

Our secret never to be shared

Spring Enchantment

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As a gardener, Spring is an especially significant time in my year. It is when I trim my roses, sheer the hedges, shape the trees, and cultivate the soil. It is my time to rediscover mother earth and give praise to the bounty only she can produce out of the solemn desolate landscape of death.

I hold no shame that I do not wear gloves. My hands go deep into the ground, aerating the dark brown gold with my fingers. It is only when I can no longer force my way through do I succumb to the metal tools that sit by my side. The soil deeply embeds its tiny particles into my cuticles hiding no shame at my work. How else am I to discover the connection of my life force? I inhale the richness of the musty leaves, shredded bark, and decaying matter as if God’s own perfume. The jasmine are only the first of the many musky oil laden scents that waft through the air upon dusk and dawn, followed by citrus blossoms that promise luscious fruit to come. The hydrangea begin their new leafing, while the roses hint at the blooms the will rise above their thorned necks. As if to brag, the daisies bloom more and more each day, showing off the simplicity of willpower, their waves of color never-ending. Only the geranium can keep up! Bunny-battered grass thickens, reminding me that the color of green is to be awed as much as the abundance of the pink flowers of Hawthorne that light up the hills. Standing to attention, the calla lilies are not to be missed, growing out of nothing, stoic among the lush green foliate that supports their delicate heads of angelic white. The daffodils pop up throughout, happily sharing their yellow faces among late bloomer, proud to be the first to welcome Spring.

When in my garden, my mind is no longer burdened by the mundane. I do not worry about the world at large. I have a inner peace that supersedes anything that would disrupt the harmony. The birds jettison from tree to tree, gathering their bits to warm their nests. The hummingbirds quickly flitter near my head to remind me that I am no less important than they. Once in awhile a butterfly will flaps its wings as if winking to me.The bees do not sting when I reach into the bushes and top the matted mess. For when a gardner, you are among the working, bringing the balance of continuing energy. All of nature has respect for one who works with love in their heart, purpose in their work, and respect for the balance.

It is Spring. As one who mightily toils with nature, I have a great respect for this life force that surrounds me. This new beginning is a reminder of the cycle of  life: birth, growth, death, and the happiness and hardship that is cultivated in between. Nothing is forever, and yet life itself goes on, to something new and amazing as it continues. Look for it. Dig your hands deeply in and experience it. Don’t be afraid to get dirty. But most of all, enjoy the ever changing landscape as it comes. Spring always follows the depths of winter’s harshness: life and renewal just under the iced over ground. There is a beauty and harmony among the embattlement of life. As with all, there is a place of renewal and joy, if you open your senses to the life just under your feet.

 

The Seduction

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The Seduction
Invisible walls of his scornful breath fades
Seduced into compliance
His might forgotten as she lay upon him
Weakening the will of of his wrath
No longer he hides behind his walls of grey; the moods of black
For she holds the life that feeds his soul
He succumbs to her fragrant kiss
Melting all that was once bitter and merciless
His heart awakens to her bounty
For not even he can resist Spring’s seduction